Dark Night of the Soul
Real Life Experiences

Pam’s Story...

I didn’t know what the Dark Night of the Soul was until about a year ago when I read about it on this website.  At that point I had been in it for 4 years.  When I read the description it spoke to me and I was overcome with emotion.  I didn’t think anyone else had ever experienced what I was going through (ego).  

I had been a student of metaphysics and exploring my Spiritual Path for many years.  I also became a Reiki healer and master.  In my volunteer time, I put in many hours a week working with catastrophically ill people by co-facilitating emotional support groups and being with clients (friends, really) in the hospital when they made their transition from this life to the next one. 

In the meantime, I had a very successful career in business.  I climbed to an executive level and broke through the glass ceiling.  I was finally making a healthy income and, for the first time in my adult life, felt financial security.  I had been a single mom since 1976 and at the time my daughter was in college, everything seemed to come together for me.  I loved my job, made lots of money, had a passionate relationship, and I was living on a bay with dolphins in my front yard.  I could literally go off my patio and swim with them in the wild.  And, I did. I felt blessed and grateful and I was in awe everyday. 

I’m giving you a little of my background because on some other level I thought I was on the path and I was divinely protected.  I guess that’s ego, too. 

It was during this time that I invited the Holy Spirit into my life. I studied the Course in Miracles in a formal class. I had a weekly meditation group at my home.  I was studying the Ascended Masters.  I had many miraculous experiences.  I felt like God was giving me confirmation. 

Then, with one phone call, my life was turned upside down.  I was demoted and transferred to another city (not through anything I did wrong).  In this new city, I experienced assault and battery in the workplace.  Everything started to unravel.  I became embroiled in a huge lawsuit against a major international corporation for almost 3 years.  During this time, I started experiencing more and more losses.  I lost friends and the support of some family members.  I ended up losing my lawsuit and all of my money. I had to declare bankruptcy. I lost my relationship.  I lost one of my best friends in a car accident. God had forgotten me. I felt like I had lost everything, but I still had my apartment and I got a job that I didn’t like.  

Determined to keep moving forward, I tried to look for answers.  I felt like I was being punished by the Universe.  What had I done so wrong?  I had been working on my Spiritual Path and trying not to live from ego.  Yet, it felt like I was being punished for something.  I’m telling you all of this because this is the way ego tries to rationalize us as victims.  I suppose there could be some karma in here, too.

Then the news of my lawsuit caught up with me at the new job and I was let go.  I struggled to find another job in the same city because my daughter lives there and she was expecting a baby in 3 weeks.  We had been working on healing our relationship and this meant a lot to me. I couldn’t take anymore losses. 

Money was about gone and the interviews I had that looked like probable offers, fizzled.  Again, the lawsuit was haunting me in the same industry. I couldn’t convince other industries that my skills and experience were transferable.  Plus, my age was a factor. I was living in a high-tech city with “twenty-somethings” who think people with experience carry too much baggage. 

Suddenly, I had to give up my apartment and move to another city to live with my mother for the first time since I left home 35 years ago.  I had to leave everything behind except my clothes, my cat, my vehicle, and my computer.  This just happened in the summer of 2000.  I’ve now been experiencing the Dark Night of The Soul for 5 years.  Everything I worked for is now gone.  If not for my mother, I’d literally be homeless. 

What I’m learning about the Dark Night of The Soul is that it is about ego’s death, the death of fear and the death of the fear of death. It is about fully getting in my heart, faith and trust.  It is an agreement that I made with God before I came into this lifetime so that I may strengthen my soul.  It’s a humbling experience.  I also think it’s about forgiveness. 

I’ve had to come face to face with every fear I had.  I’ve had to continue living through losses.  I have often felt abandoned by God.  I have felt alone and isolated. I have grieved and cried and screamed and rebuked Satan.   I have prayed and meditated.  I have visualized and affirmed.  Still the losses keep coming.  Each loss is a death. I’m learning to face them without fear and with freedom.  I continue to pray and meditate and love God/Spirit, even in my darkest moments when I feel so alone. 

When we ask the Holy Spirit to come into our lives, we are forced to shape up.  I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I had selected an accelerated spiritual path.  My soul knows what it wants and what I need.  

Finally, I recently had an experience watching a butterfly.  It flew up to a skylight on the ceiling trying to fly out.  It couldn’t break through that barrier and it was so focused on that one spot it didn’t know that all the windows and doors were open and it could simply fly out.  I tried to get it down enough so it could see all the alternatives to freedom, but it kept flying back to that one small spot.  I realized that we are like that butterfly and the angels, guides and Spirit are calling for us to backup and look around for other choices. They want us to succeed and be free.  We need to learn to hear and recognize the messages. 

I’m told that this will end some day. I don’t know when or how.  I think it’s important for those of us on this particular spiritual path to demonstrate to God/Spirit our “willingness” to learn and surrender.  I’m still learning and I’m still trying.  

My advice to you is to hang in there. Learn as much as you can as the illusions are peeled away.  Learn to see differently.  Love God and send prayers of gratitude.  

Update...

11/11/01 
11:11 a.m.

Since I first wrote of my Dark Night of the Soul experience in August of 2000 more cleansing has occurred. 

As I said above, I landed in my mother’s home with my cat, computer, clothes, and car. I did save a few items that were important to me like family photos, crystals, paintings, etc. that I had packed in boxes and left at my daughter’s house.

Three months into this new experience, I had a job that barely paid above minimum wage, but enabled me to pay my monthly bills and car payment. I was able to pay off my car. The IRS notified me that I was being audited and a year later they concluded I owed about $4000 in back taxes. My CPA had always handled my taxes and he has Power of Attorney for me, so it’s a little perplexing how something like this could happen.  Then my computer crashed. I was able to purchase a new one with monthly payments. I just couldn’t seem to get ahead. 

My experience at my mother’s home was supposed to be about me having a safe place to stay, get a job and get out of debt so I could begin moving forward again. This was her invitation.  It turned out that I had to realize and accept that my mother is mentally ill (Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder), an alcoholic, a rage-oholic, and a sexaholic. Even more difficult to face was that she had always been this way. 

I was continuing to pump out resumes to get a “real” job so I could support myself.  Nothing happened.

Then I learned my mother was intercepting my mail and phone calls when I was at work and I had to get a P.O. Box and I had to use other people’s phone #’s on my resume. She was in a rage that I was there, but she didn’t want me to leave because she needed a target to act out her rage. That’s part of her pathology. She was sabotaging all of my efforts to get on my feet and leave. She was going through my stuff and I had to get a little storage unit. She communicated to my sister that she deliberately broke my computer because she was jealous of it.  My cat was 19 years old, but still in good health. Athena was playful, very affectionate and ate a healthy diet. I had gone out of town for a week and when I returned my cat was very ill.  I rushed her to the vet and he concluded that she had been poisoned. At that moment, I had to put her to sleep. This was a heartbreaking loss for me, but it was the kick that I needed to open my eyes. The following week, a very good friend committed suicide and then, the next week my sister had to put her dog to sleep. I went into therapy.

My therapist was so alarmed at my living conditions and the threat to me, that she urged me not to go “home” at all, but to go live in a Homeless Shelter. Yet I stayed another 3 months trying very hard to get a job to support myself. The evilness in my mother got more and more bizarre. I realized one Sunday afternoon (9/9/01) that I had to leave. A girlfriend arranged an “intervention” kind of thing to have 4 people arrive that afternoon to get my computer and desk into my storage unit, throw my clothes into my car, she gave me a little cash, and I was out of there. 

I drove back to the city I had left behind where my daughter and friends live. I ended up on the doorstep of a friend. She and her husband graciously accepted me into their home.

The next day, I had a job offer for a retail position from the store I worked for when I lived with my mother. Then my daughter helped me get an interview with her previous employer and I had another job offer. I accepted that position and was told I was to start training on 9/17. It pays very little, the same as my retail position.

Then there was September 11, 2001. It took no time for me to realize that there were thousands of souls who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. The world is forever changed and all we have is this moment NOW. I got it in my heart. I also realized I had to set boundaries and put myself first. I understood forgiveness.

Six weeks after I began my new job, I found an apartment.  Things began flowing for me the moment I left my mother’s home. As I sit here writing my update, I am filled with awe and gratitude.

My daughter and sister and friends began showing up with gifts for me. I have a bed!  I have a couch. I have dishes and pots and pans.  I have towels and sheets. I have a refrigerator with healthy food. I have a fireplace and a washer and dryer. I have my family photos, crystals, paintings, Bible, Course In Miracles, and books that I treasure. I have peace and harmony. I have love and support. The energy has shifted.

My life is much more humble now. I understand that God creates for us and with us. When we realize that there is only one source, God the Good Omnipotent, we accept that all the other stuff is just an illusion to get our attention and to wake us up to our divine selves. I’ve learned about Truth. I feel connected to all life and all people. We are One.

I am making it. I am still looking for a better paying position. I need medical and dental benefits. I need to have some work done on my car. I want to be more comfortable, financially. I need to pay the IRS. 

I don’t know if I’ve been given a reprieve or if more cleansing is just around the corner. All I can do is strengthen my Faith.  Through my darkest and most terrifying moments at my mother’s home, I kept shouting back to God that I will not give up on Him/Her even though I felt He/She had given up on me. 

I realized, too, that all of my choices, including my lawsuit and downward spiral were about my mother. I had to be thrown into the darkness with her to see the Light. I don’t communicate with her at this time because I have to heal and redefine myself. I send her occasional notes to reassure her that I’m fine. My sister has taken on the role to manage her care. I am grateful and I am protected. We’ll see where this new path takes me.