This experience happened to me 7 years ago. I have edited out a lot of build up and other fears, conflicts and strange scenarios, just so you can get the essence of my experience.

My last day at university that I was not very happy at for my 3 year stay. No plans for the future, no idea what to do next and my boyfriend walks off with another women at the leaving party before my very eyes. Cried for 3 days, not knowing what to do or where to go but still packing my belongings along with my house mates. Mum and Dad offer refuge at home, so I travel to the other end of the country to stay with them. Dad is at work and Mum lays down the law in her controlling manner, so I leave like usual. Go and stay with my cousin at the other end of the country, don't know him that well, but my brother is living with him, could be ok. Brother not happy to see me, cousin working all the time. Very alone, can't find work. Call ex-boyfriend that just "dumped" me. I didn't care my morale was so low, I needed someone. He came to visit with a mutual friend called Paul. It was a strange time. Afterwards the ex-boyfriend went to visit his new girl friend and Paul went back to my old university town where he lived. Paul was not a student, never was. He was unemployed and took a fair amount of drugs and had a reputation for stealing alcohol and small, valuable items from his "friends'" houses. He had been to prison a couple of times.

I remained at my cousin's house alone and lower than ever.  Paul phones "Come down, I've got some acid." Yeh, what the hell, what have I got to loose. 

3 hour train journey. Just before I got on the train something told me that I should not go, but I did. Even though I had a bad feeling about it.

Take the acid that night on arrival to a very run down house with a few tenants, opposite the police station of all places. Very potent on my tongue. 4 hours later I was well and truly immersed in the drama of the dark night of my soul. I cannot describe the absolute terror, fear, turmoil, lack of control, isolation, insanity and the absolute pain of being in an open space prison. It didn't matter where I turned to or how I tried to feel, EVERYTHING was alive and dead at the same time. There was consciousness but no love and it was pitiful and sad with a tremendous feeling of guilt and regret. TOO LATE, you are too late to change it now. I was dead, alone in the universe, but so conscious. I could not feel my body nor see it. I felt like I had been there for an eternity, eternal torture. It was my thoughts and nothing else. I realised that I was not getting out of there, that I was stuck in some plane somewhere and not one living being knew I was! there. The energy in that place was oh so powerful it was like feeling the power of the earth rotating and hearing it too. I had to fight for my life because I could feel a pull on me that was going to take me into a life review and possibly re-incarnation. "OH MY GOD."  Through my mass of jumbled, chaotic, terrified thoughts and feelings the one word that kept coming back to me was "God."  It was terrifying.

"I have to call to God he is my only hope, but will he hear me? and what if I call and he doesn't exist, or if nothing happens at all? How long will I be here?...Will I be one of those in a mental institute for the rest of my physical life, but my mind will be trapped here, somewhere else?"

I summoned up all my energy and strength and screamed and yelled from the depths of my being. I was so sincere, so longing, so needful, so desperate.

"GOD, GOD PLEASE HELP ME. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. I'M SORRY, SO SORRY I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN."

My senses started to return immediately. I could feel movement of vessels in what felt like my head. Liquid pulsating through channels.  Yes my head was reforming and I opened my eyes and I was in my body. Someone was holding my hand. It was Paul standing there sobbing. I said "What happened?" he said "I saw your hell."

We were standing outside the house opposite the police station, it was quiet and dark. God knows how much noise I made, or if I made any at all. We quickly went back into the house. I still had another 7 hours of hellish experiences but I was learning to master the fear and to take responsibility for my actions. I became aware of CHOICE, but it was a fearful struggle trying to hold onto my little bit of sanity and normality. When Paul and I had recovered enough by morning and the fear had subsided we both acknowledged that we went to a place with no soul...so I forced myself to give him a hug even though I was terrified of the man. It was the beginning of learning to love myself and others.

When I was going through that experience I knew it was something that I had been leading up to, that I had to go through with one way or another. It was hell. The next day when the full affect of the acid had worn off and I could feel like a human again, I was a young woman in shock. Even now I am stunned by the experience. I hardly slept for 3 nights. I was floating in clouds and I would have to sit up and pinch and bite myself to make sure I was in my body. In the day, I was glad for simple things like puddles and blue patches in the sky. I went to the cathedral and cried to God and thanked him for being there when I needed him most. I was new.

Someone gave me this thought once....Picture an ice cube in a glass of water.  You are the ice cube.  Because you are aware that you are an ice cube you get all puffed up about it. "I am cool, beautiful and unique." or deflated about it "I am of no significance, all alone, with no charisma."

The water, however, is God.  He is in you, all around you, above and below and you are no different from God.

"Divinity is your only reality, realize this and walk free."

I am still learning about myself and I have painful experiences, suffer fears and saddnesses but I am learning from them. I am more aware of my failings and why I make the mistakes I make. I am trying to heal myself and my relationship with my mother. I try to help people when I can and if I have nothing to give I try to be kind to myself until I am needed in the world.  I pray, I meditate on God and Love and I always try to ask the right questions. Like "How can I learn from this pain/negativity/discomfort or lack of peace that I feel?"  "What do I need to be aware of, or need to do to change myself?"

I feel deep within my soul that my whole life is dedicated to making the world a better place in my own small, little way...this I do for God and when I die and I cannot do it without him.

If there is one thing that I have learnt it is that when lessons are not being learnt and the same mistakes are being made again and again pain is my greatest teacher. I only hope we as a human family will learn our lesson for justice and peace in the world before there is no world and all of us are too late.

If you would like to contact me to share energy, or if I can be of any help to you, my email address is .... missephton@yahoo.com

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